To Be Vulnerable
An amateur's guide to using vulnerability and patience to build lasting friendships
There is a fine line between vulnerability and trauma dumping, one that is constantly shifting. Where the line is varies between relationships and within them. There is no universal rule on how much to share with another or when in a relationship to share it.
The right amount of vulnerability with the correct person can give rise to intimacy, both romantic and platonic. It forms a basis of trust and understanding to build a secure relationship upon. At the same time, vulnerability opens the possibility of being hurt. In healthy relationships vulnerability is exposing your weaker parts and trusting the other person will protect them. There is a positive feedback between vulnerability and trust. You should trust a person before you are vulnerable with them. When vulnerability is met with support, your trust in each other deepens further allowing for more vulnerability in the future. It should be a stepwise process.
When people share too early in a relationship or they share too much or too quickly, vulnerability can transition into trauma dumping. The effects of trauma dumping on a relationship vary greatly. When one person over shares and the other doesn’t it can place an uncomfortable stress on the listener. In some cases the listener may feel overburdened and unsupported in the relationship. This can lead to the relationship ending prematurely, becoming manipulative on either side or developing into codependency.
A few months ago a new friend of mine asked me out to drinks. He had recently gotten out of a long term relationship and had planned on being single and abstinent for a while– drinks were to be a platonic endeavor.
After a few cocktails each and an hour or so of banter, our conversation turned to the merits of Harvard admissions, a perpetually newsworthy topic. We made up reasons for each other's admission then speculated on our own. In actuality, they were not speculation at all since we each had seen our admissions files.
Without either of us knowing how, the conversation turned to discuss our childhood traumas– broken homes, mental illnesses, moms no longer in our lives, etc. We each detailed the personal essays we had written and our vulnerable admissions interviewers. It was too much, too fast. We did not know enough about the current version of each other to contextualize each other’s pasts. We were both unsure how to proceed, being unable to differentiate between healed wounds and current baggage.
Thankfully, our maturity allowed us to have an honest conversation the next day to set expectations on the friendships. While vital for the relationship going forward, no conversation could undo the unnatural acceleration of the friendship because of our mutual oversharing.
Instead, relationships should unfold slowly. No matter how badly you want to become close with a person, you must give it time. Building a relationship too fast is like building a house without a foundation, it is only a matter of time before it crumbles.
To have this sort of patience means both sides need to have a stable relationship with themselves first. It is unfair to expect a friend or romantic partner to show up for you if you do not have the ability to show up for both yourself and them.
My best friendships are those that arose in places of mutual interest. My random roommate on a school trip to Costa Rica, the only other girl dancing at a Christmas party or the girl who showed up in my biology, psychology and yoga class all on the same day. In all of these examples we bonded over shared experiences or mutual interests for dozens or even hundreds of hours before any vulnerable exchanges.
Vulnerability should come in after comfort and consistency has been established. Before sharing your upsetting past or current struggles with a new friend, you need to ask yourself, Are they in a place where they can offer me support? Do I feel safe and not judged? Are they ways I can support them in exchange? It is unlikely you will have a clear answer to any of these questions, but if you answer no to several of them you will likely be disappointed with the outcome of your vulnerability.
In addition to the sharing of past or current struggles, general openness and curiosity are essential to balanced vulnerability. Giving friends the space to ask questions about you then giving them truthful answers or respectfully declining to answer is powerful. I have seen too many friendships end over false assumptions or incomplete judgements that one party has made about the other because they never asked directly. I am not saying you have to always assume the best intentions in all your relationships, but asking respectful, non-judgemental questions before assuming bad intentions is a good place to start.
Take it one step further and ask interesting and thought provoking questions in your relationships. If you both are in the right setting and headspace, this can be a powerful way to deepen a relationship. It is extremely rewarding to ask a question specific to a friend's past, present or future and have them respond, “I haven’t thought about that,” or “Wow, I'm not sure,” giving rise to the opportunity for both of you to learn something about each other together.
Friendships are hard. Particularly in today’s society where there is infinite information about people online. We create versions of each other that do not and never will exist in reality, giving rise to unfounded expectations of each other.
With the loneliness epidemic, building friendship is more important than ever. No one deserves to carry their past, present and future alone. By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and making room for others to do the same, everyone can forge meaningful and lasting friendships. It will take time and require a lot of work to create the friendships that will shape your life for the better. You deserve to be picky about who you spend your time with. While they may have a time or a place, friendships of convenience or dependency should not be your default.